Our foreign correspondent in Brooklyn Rich Fershtinkiner recently interviewed Vladimir Lamm, the owner and chief-assembler of the Lamm Industries Incorporated. Below is the Rich’s transcript:
- Good morning sir, you owe me $2345.00 – said Vladimir, snaking my hand and friendly smiling.
- What for? – I replied
- For the opportunity to interview me during the next 6 minutes.
- Vladimir, the interviews are always free. Also, yesterday when we were setting over the phone this meeting you were explaining me for 9 hours that 7 multiplied by 8 would be 56 and went into depth explaining me that the libertarian thinking in America prevents you from getting better sound out of you electronics. How come that you did not mention anything about money yesterday?
- Do not worry. I had somebody else to bill for that time.
I called to my editor and asked him if he was wiling to write a $2345.00 check to Vladimir. The editor agreed and I continued:
- Vladimir, I would like to ask you about your products that…
- Not so fast, Vladimir interrupted me – I would like to see your check deposited and cleared before I talk to you.
- Hm, Vladimir, since I’m already here I Brooklyn, I might propose I stop by right now at any local bank and get a certified bank draft for you. Would it be OK?
- I’m a person from West Ukrainian forest - Vladimir answered, suspiciously looking at me – we Western Ukrainians do not trust banks and particularly the Brooklyn banks. Show me my money and I will sanctify you with my interview.
I already wanted to do home and I did not wanted any interviews but I was already made the trip and decided to go alone. I went to ATM machine, withdrew some cash from my accounts and give it to Vladimir. Vladimir counted the money, looked at the bill’s watermarks, passed the money to his wife - the company office managers, and then after she counted the money twice, Vladimir turned to me and said with kindness and compassion in his voice:
- Welcome back, son
I decided to stay professional do not let the incident to destroy my interview assignment.
- Vladimir, I asked, - tell me about your company offerings.
- We are in the business of providing audio pubic with high quality short-sleeved, collarless undershirt, known as T-shirt. However, our T-shirts are very different from others T-shirts. We make out T-shirts using the deeply secretive insights of ancient Egyptians that I had stolen a few years ago from a retired Amsterdam’s Masson but being a highly ethical person I left him to have a dozen of bagels as a reimbursement. Our T-shirt have a specific ratio between the amount of the threads within the T-shirt, the mass of the person who wear it and the exact distance from the person to the center of the Earth’s gravity at the very imperative, essential and precise moment when the person pays. As the result the individual who wears the Lamm T-shirt extends his psychedelic ability to hear music differently – mmmm…. sort of the new way of hearing, that our loyal customer call affectingly - the Lammy Ways.
- Vladimir, why T-shirt? I thought you did some kind of amplifiers?
- It is big affirmative, but the amplifiers are only a minor-league and a very trivial part of the Lamm Industries' operation. The business model of our company is to make the audiophiles depended from wearing the T-shirts.
- OK, it sounds very interesting. Could you tell us more about the compliance between the catalyzing abilities of your T-shirts and the personality of the T-shirts user?
- Yes, this aspect is a keystone of the Lamm Industries' operation. We develop very reasonable, very persuasive, very seductive and very customers-oriented model of Lamminization of people who decides, for whatever reasons, to deal with out company. We sell to them some kind of amplifiers; the unit's performance is totally irrelevant. HOWEVER, we monitor the latitude and longitude of the buyers when thier payments go through. Then, we change the bolts that hold the plate’s amperemeter and name the amplifier as our next model, for instance the M1.33.12L.4111.2, encouraging our loyal users to go for the newest amplifier, informing them that the older amplifiers were an unfortunate and mistaken application of our “Ancient Egyptians Algorithm”. When the accumulative sum of the total customer’s payments is equal to the 1/8 of Lamm’s annual contribution to Gorge W Bush election campaign, we calculate the average GPS location of a given customer and send him/her the T-shirts. If the T-shirt does not Lamminize the customer then we presume that we need to adjust the GPS location of this person. Since our algorithms could associate a person ONLY with his payments we begin to sell to the person something else: dead tubes, bogus shipping charges or juts some kind of the counterfeited advice. When we re-recharge the person with new payments we re-adjust the coordinates of the parson on Earth and dispatch to the person a new T-shirts.
- That is wonderful, Vladimir! Could you tell us more about you plans and about the forthcoming models of the Lamm Industries?
- Yes, sure. Recently I had a chance to actually listen my amplifiers and I learned that their sound went so much South that before my customer's payments reach the critical mass enough to receive aT-shirt, the customer sick for the Sound and get rig of our electronics. This severally violates my Egyptians Calculations and I decided to do something about it. So, we introduce a few new models that would suck out the necessary amount of money fro the customer with a single pop. The new revolutionary amplifiers would be sold at the price 3-5 times more then anything we ever sold before and …. Oops! I am sorry. I have to interrupt right here because your paid 6 minutes are up. Have a good day and enjoy THE Music
- Thank you very much, Mr. Lamm. It was very educational...
"I wish I could score everything for horns." - Richard Wagner. "Our writing equipment takes part in the forming of our thoughts." - Friedrich Nietzsche